THE FOOD ALLERGY COUNSELOR - Your Allergy Psychosocial Resource Hub
  • Home
  • Counselor Directory
  • Blog
  • Webinars
  • Podcast
  • Worksheets/Forms
  • Psychosocial Resources
  • FAC Members/FABHN
  • Allergy Counseling Niche Info
    • Allergy Counseling Info for Patients
    • Allergy Counseling Info for Therapy Providers
    • Allergy Counseling Info for Allergists
  • Consulting Services
  • About
    • The Food Allergy Counselor, Inc.
    • Founder, Tamara Hubbard, LCPC
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms & Conditions of Use
  • Contact

Food Allergy Mom Guilt and the Necessity of Self-Compassion

6/18/2022

2 Comments

 
Written by Paige Freeman, PhD., a FAC Directory-listed therapy provider, 
 ​See more information about Paige and her practice at the end of this article. 
Allergy moms: I have some not so great news. No matter how hard you try, how diligent you are, or how many plans you have- at some point your child will likely be exposed to their allergen.  You are not going to navigate this journey perfectly, no matter how many precautions you put in place.  And for many of us, even if we were to get it perfect we would still beat ourselves up. (For a deeper dive on this, read my friend Heather Hewett’s Allergic Living article here.)
Here are just a few things allergy moms feel bad about:
  • Introducing our child’s allergen too early
  • Introducing our child’s allergen too late
  • Introducing our child’s allergen the wrong way

  • Not being diligent enough
  • Being hypervigilant

  • Deciding to do OIT
  • Deciding to not do OIT
​
  • Going through a food challenge
  • Deciding against a food challenge
​
  • Not giving kids enough responsibility
  • Giving kids too much responsibility
​
  • Missing out on food related activities
  • Potentially exposing our child to their allergen at a social event

  • Thinking we did something to cause the food allergy
  • Thinking we did not do enough to prevent the food allergy

​Do you notice a theme here?
So many times in our allergy world, there are no good solutions because there are pros and cons to almost every decision.  Adding to this is a lack of consistent messaging about how to manage food allergies and an overload of input from social media on the multitude of different ways families handle their own allergies.
​

Self-Compassion

Picture
Image Source: Pixabay
The degree of vigilance necessary in the management of food allergies is exhausting, persistent and is in constant flux depending on the situation and your child’s developmental stage.  There will likely come a time when you miss something.  When that happens, it is of the utmost importance that you show yourself some compassion.  ​
Compassion is defined as being moved by the suffering of others.

Self-compassion is recognizing that your suffering is difficult and acknowledging the pain. 

You can’t ignore your pain and feel compassion for it at the same time. 
If self-compassion is difficult for you, I’d like for you to think for a minute about how you talk to your child about their difficult thoughts and emotions, or about a mistake they have made.

Now imagine talking to your child in the same manner you talk to yourself about those same thoughts and emotions and missteps. 
As you picture talking to your child the way you talk to yourself, ask yourself some questions:
  • What effect do your words have? 
  • Are your words motivating? 
  • ​Are your words helpful?  
  • How do your words affect their worldview and the way they conceptualize themself? 
​​

Notice, Name and Normalize

Picture
Image Source: Pixabay
So how do we develop self-compassion? 
Start with the below exercise when you are experiencing difficult emotions, thoughts and feelings.
​Notice:
Get curious about what your mind is telling you. Observe the thoughts, emotions, memories, etc. that are coming up.  It is helpful to complete the sentence, “I notice my mind is telling me…”  (Remember that you are observing your thoughts, not judging them).  
​

Also notice what is going on in your body.  Does your chest feel full?  Do you have a lump in your throat?  Are your shoulders tight?  Butterflies in your stomach? 
Name:
Put a name to what is happening. Maybe emotions of shame, guilt, anger, vulnerability, or self doubt are showing up.  Maybe it is a feeling of deep tiredness.  Maybe it is a memory of helplessness.  Maybe the only thing you are experiencing is pain in your lower back.  

Whatever it is, after you notice what is happening in your mind and body, then name it. For example, “I am noticing my chest feels heavy”, “I am noticing deep shame”,  or “I am noticing regret”.  

And then acknowledge the difficulty of it.  Acknowledge that it is painful. Naming this can be as simple as, “This is difficult” or “This is exhausting”.
Normalize:
When we are in the midst of suffering, it is helpful to remember that suffering is a part of the human condition.  Our highly evolved brains are hard-wired for suffering, and the more we try to avoid experiencing discomfort, the more it sticks around. 

​Although our specific circumstances are not always the same, humans have the shared struggle of deeply painful experiences.  In the food allergy space, there are many moms out there feeling very similarly to you.  And it is very difficult.  


So when normalizing you may say to yourself, “This is painful and hard, and difficult emotions are a universal human experience” or “Humans are hard-wired to suffer sometimes. It is normal”

Final words

Remember that this food allergy journey is very challenging, and painful emotions including guilt are common. Please be kind to yourself. You are navigating something that is very difficult, and some self-compassion can go a long way towards healing and living a purposeful life.
Picture
Paige L. Freeman, Ph.D.
Dr.  Freeman is a psychologist in Houston, Texas, and she practices telehealth in 29 states. She enjoys working with food allergy parents and adolescents in her practice. She is a food allergy mom herself, and likes writing about the psychosocial effects of food allergies on both individuals and the family system. To learn more go to paigefreemanphd.com or email paigefreeman@paigefreemanphd.com.

Looking for more on this and related topics? Check out:
  • Understanding Allergy Parenting Guilt
  • The Emotional Side of Food Allergy Treatments
  • Unhelpful Allergy Beliefs
  • GROW Through Allergy Discomfort
Remember, support is out there if you need it!
  • Food Allergy Counselor Directory
  • Exploring Food Allergy Families podcast
  • Food Allergy Behavioral Health Resource section
  • allergy-specific therapeutic worksheets
  • Allergy Counseling Niche info for patients and allergists
  • Therapists: Learn about the Food Allergy Behavioral Health Network (FABHN) and about working in the allergy counseling niche

----> And don't forget to sign up to receive helpful allergy psychosocial tips and updates via email! Subscribers also get the free "Allergy Anxiety and Overwhelm Mini Guide"
2 Comments

Understanding Allergy Parent Guilt

5/14/2022

0 Comments

 
When we receive our child's allergy or medical diagnosis, we typically experience a variety of emotions - usually some that are pretty intense. It's while we are in that hurricane of emotions that our mind tries to become the anchor, looking for ways to make sense of this new diagnosis that we never wanted in the first place.​
Picture
​You see, our mind is a threat-seeking machine. It wants to locate and decrease all threats while increasing safety and predictability. ​And in order to help achieve that goal, our mind looks for answers and predictable patterns.
So when our child receives their allergy or medical diagnosis, we want to know WHY. “How did this food allergy or health condition develop? What caused it? How can I avoid more allergies or health complications from developing and keep my child safe at all times?”

But sometimes, the answer to why the allergy or medical condition developed is that there is no specific cause. Given that our mind wants actual answers, it often struggles to deal with that explanation. Therefore, this lack of clarity definitely doesn't make our mind feel safe because it leaves us with EVEN MORE uncertainty and unpredictability.
Picture
In the face of that ongoing uncertainty, parents tend to keep searching for answers. Our mind tells us that there just has to be some stone left unturned that explains WHY our child developed the allergy or medical condition!

It's in this quest to answer that elusive WHY that some parents engage in the “blame game” - blaming themselves for the allergy or health condition. This, of course, only enhances the feelings of guilt. 

Since guilt is a behavior-focused emotion, it often leads us to believe that we did something wrong or bad. Therefore, playing the blame game leads us to believe that we must have done something (or NOT done something) that led to this diagnosis. Somehow, it must be our fault, even if there's no evidence to prove it.


Even without evidence to prove that the allergy or medical condition developed because of something we did or didn’t do, this answer somehow provides the certainty parents are looking for. It’s AN answer even if it’s not THE answer.

But then this faulty assumption leads to this unhelpful thought: "If I somehow made the allergy or medical condition develop, then I can prevent another allergy, an allergic reaction, or more complications from occurring by eliminating ALL risks for my child." 

And it’s this uncomfortable belief that tends to send parents into an unhelpful pattern of control-seeking and over-avoidance, which leads to ongoing and quality of life-impacting anxiety and overwhelm (because we just can’t control everything!)

While guilt can push us towards unhelpful assumptions and thought patterns in service of finding certainty, predictability and safety, it’s important to notice when this is happening. It’s easy to stay stuck in this unhelpful guilt loop, but it is absolutely possible to experience guilt and not let it push you into the blame game. 
Picture

​One key tool that helps us from being pushed around by our feelings of guilt is: CURIOSITY
Exploring our feelings helps us develop a new perspective and a new relationship with them. Therefore, by getting curious about our guilt, it helps us exit the blame game and the unhelpful loop of regret, and develop an understanding of why else it might be popping up. 

Exercise to Try: Get Curious With Your Allergy Parent Guilt
Rather than focusing on finding a cause of the guilt, use these questions below to help you begin to view guilt differently and to redirect it into more mindful and purposeful thoughts and actions: 

  • EXPLORE ITS PURPOSE: What else do my guilt feelings want me to know or do differently going forward that may help me and my child feel more empowered to navigate life with this diagnosis? 

  • IDENTIFY WHAT'S FUELING IT: What’s at the core of the anxiety I’m feeling that may be fueling my guilt feelings?
 
  • NOTICE RELATED EMOTIONS: What other emotions/feelings are connected to my guilt feelings? How do they impact the guilt? 

  • CREATE A NEW NARRATIVE: Can I use this new understanding of my guilt feelings to create a new narrative that isn't based on needing to make myself feel bad about actions I took or didn't take?  
 
  • TAKE ACTION / MAKE CHOICES: What actions can I take to help support this new, more workable narrative about my feelings of guilt? What information and guidance will help me better navigate this guilt feeling? 

And if you find that this exercise uncovers elevated anxiety that your guilt feelings have been saving you from, here are some allergy anxiety-focused tools and information that you may find helpful: 
  • Building Allergy Life Skills When Anxious​
  • GROW Through Discomfort
  • FAC IG Post: Overview of Befriending Allergy Anxiety
  • FAC IG Post: Using Avoidance as An Allergy Management Tool
  • FAC IG Post: Mindfully Managing Allergy Anxiety

​FINAL THOUGHTS
....

All emotions are part of the human experience, even the ones we don't enjoy, such as guilt. Rather than get upset with the emotion and aim to keep yourself from ever feeling it again (because you'll spend tons of energy working toward that unrealistic goal), work towards exploring and understanding its purpose. THEN, you'll be able to find a way to work with or around it rather than being kept captive by it. 
​And if you're needing more allergy-related psychosocial support, don't forget to check out the Food Allergy Counselor Directory, the Exploring Food Allergy Families podcast, the Food Allergy Behavioral Health Resource section, the allergy-specific therapeutic worksheets, and to sign up for weekly allergy life, mindset and anxiety tips via FAC Corner emails!
Picture
Picture
Do you value the Food Allergy Counselor Directory and the support it provides to the allergy community? Want to see it expand with additional providers? Contact founder Tamara Hubbard, LCPC for sponsorship opportunities! ​
0 Comments

Building Allergy Life Skills When Anxious

5/6/2022

0 Comments

 
We know that in order to gain confidence in our ability to manage our own or our child's allergies, we have to step outside of our comfort zone - because that's where growth happens. But when we finally do step outside and feel anxious, and then have the urge to turn and run, what do we do? It's a catch-22, right? 

Well, maybe this new allergy psychosocial tool will help with this process!
​

A Guide For Practicing Allergy Life Skills:

Picture
This Guide for Practicing Allergy Life Skills (when feeling anxious) offers step-by-step guidance through this "out-of-our-comfort-zone" growth process with the goal of not letting the anxiety permanently hold us back. In turn, this helps us focus on EXPANDING OUR COMFORT ZONE so we can add more to it over time. 

This guide is a reminder that when we are growing (developing a new skill or a new relationship, or just personal growth), there's discomfort, which may come in the form of anxiety, fear and overwhelm. Yes, allergic conditions do intensify things because of their life-impacting and even life-threatening nature, but at the core, we're still just building important life skills like we do in other areas of our lives. And remember, we don't need to take major leaps outside of our comfort zones (unless you feel ready to) - start small and build over time. 

It's also important to note that you don't have to move through this guide in the order it's shown. Just like when we process grief, we can jump from stage to stage. So if you notice the anxiety before you begin practicing the new allergy life skill, then start there and work through the steps until you can try practicing the skill.

And it's equally important to remind yourself that it's okay if it takes you lots of practice to learn this new allergy life skill, or you can't even get through the whole process initially. The goal is growth, and growth takes time and practice!


Let's use the following scenario to show how this guide would be helpful:
You want to start eating out at restaurants more, but are nervous about speaking up and advocating for yourself. It makes you so anxious!
Always start by clarifying what the allergy life skill is you're trying to develop and the benefit of practicing it: 
  • ​Skill you want to develop/practice: self-advocating and speaking up
  • Benefit of developing/practicing this skill: more comfortable eating out

Then, decide how/where you want to start practicing this skill. Maybe you want to start at a familiar restaurant at a non-peak hour. Or you might even want to simply start by practicing it at home in the mirror, pretending you're in the actual situation.

1. Practice what you'd like to tell the waiter or manager, and what you plan to ask them. Try saying/asking in different ways if you need to. Show them your allergy card. 

2. Notice the anxious thoughts and feelings in your mind and body. Remind yourself that you're doing something new, but there's a big benefit to getting through this discomfort. Don't overly engage with them, but  instead,  work with them. Edit them from "What if" thoughts to "If, then" thoughts. 

3. Explore the emotional and physical anxiety and discomfort. Maybe there's another question you need to ask or more information you want to share with the restaurant staff to help you safer and feel better about speaking up. You may also need to take a moment to physically relax yourself. 

4. Use calming tools, such as deep breathing or focusing on something you can see or hear, if you notice your mind or body getting really anxious or uncomfortable. 

5. Try the skill again - either at that time and/or in the future. Ask more questions during this experience, or note what you'd like to do differently next time. 

After you've practiced, debrief about the experience with questions such as: 
  • What went well? 
  • What would you like to do differently next time? 
  • What did you learn about yourself and/or the situation?
  • Were you able to work through the discomfort you felt while practicing? 
  • Were you able to stay connected with the benefit you'll get from this skill?

​Final Thoughts....​
Again, in these kinds of uncomfortable situations, our focus needs to be working towards EXPANDING OUR COMFORT ZONE over time so that we can add more to it over time. Even if we aren't good at the skill the first few times we try it, or can't get through the whole process - that's okay! The goal is just to try and make movement towards adding more into our comfort zone. 

Just like the image below, which represents what we THINK happens over time with grief - versus what ACTUALLY happens - our goal when managing allergies is to expand our comfort zone around the discomfort. Therefore, keeping this in mind with each step we take can help us talk back to our anxiety and stay the course!
Picture
Image Source: https://whatsyourgrief.com/growing-around-grief/
So, give this tool a go the next time you want to try a new experience that feels overwhelming. Use it as a visual reminder that you DO have the ability to get yourself through the discomfort and expand your comfort zone, even if it feels hard to! I look forward to hearing your thoughts about this new psychosocial tool!

​Looking for more tools and insights to help you move through the discomfort and fear of reactions in new, unfamiliar situations? Check these resources out: 
  • The G-R-O-W Technique
  • 2021 Food Allergy Awareness Week tips & tools from FAC
  • The Managing Allergy Worry Worksheet (blog post)
  • Food Allergy Thinking Traps 
  • 5 Reminders for Parents of Kids with Allergy-Related Anxiety
  • Exploring Food Allergy Families Podcast - Episode 11
Remember, support is out there if you need it! Don't forget to check out the Food Allergy Counselor Directory, the Exploring Food Allergy Families podcast, the Food Allergy Behavioral Health Resource section, and the allergy-specific therapeutic worksheets. And if you're an allergy-informed therapy provider, then visit the Provider page!

----> And don't forget to sign up to receive helpful allergy psychosocial tips and updates via email! Subscribers also get the free "Allergy Anxiety and Overwhelm Mini Guide".
Picture
Picture
Do you value the Food Allergy Counselor Directory and the support it provides to the allergy community? Want to see it expand with additional  providers? Contact founder Tamara Hubbard, LCPC for sponsorship opportunities! 
0 Comments
<<Previous

    Follow FAC on Twitter or Instagram, or on Facebook on the Food Allergy Counselor Directory  page to get updates on the FAC Directory, blog or resources. And connect with FAC creator Tamara on Twitter or Instagram!

    Picture
    Subscribe here to receive weekly allergy life tips and/or insights into the allergy counseling niche

    Picture
    Listen to & subscribe to the Exploring Food Allergy Families podcast!

    Archives

    February 2023
    January 2023
    December 2022
    November 2022
    October 2022
    August 2022
    July 2022
    June 2022
    May 2022
    April 2022
    March 2022
    July 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    February 2021
    July 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    July 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018


    Categories

    All
    4 Things Series
    ACT Skills
    Adult Allergies
    Advocacy
    Allergy Anxiety Tools
    Allergy Dads
    Allergy Education
    Allergy Informed Therapists
    Allergy Moms
    Allergy Tools
    Anaphylaxis
    Anxiety
    Building Confidence
    CBT
    Community
    Compassion & Self Compassion
    Coping
    Coronavirus Anxiety
    Counseling
    Emotions
    Empowerment
    FAAW
    Family
    Fears
    Food Allergy Management
    Food Allergy Research
    Food Allergy Worksheets
    Guest Bloggers
    Guilt
    Kids
    Mindfulness
    Mindset
    OIT & OFC
    Parenting
    Personal Stories
    Podcast
    Podcast & Webinars
    Relationships
    Resilience
    Siblings
    Stress Management
    Support Groups
    Survey Results
    Teen Allergies
    Treatment
    Updates Or News


    Picture
    Don't miss a blog post! Subscribe below: 

    Enter your email address:

    Delivered by FeedBurner

    Subscribe to FAC via reader

FAC Resources

FAC Directory
FAC Blog
​
FA Webinars & Discussions
Exploring FA Families Podcast
​Therapy Worksheets
​​Sign up for FAC emails!

For THERAPY Providers

FAC Membership & FABHN​
Allergy Psychosocial Intake Forms
Contact The FAC
ALLERGY COUNSELING 
Patient/Community Info
Therapy Provider Info
Allergists/Healthcare Info

About

The FAC, Inc.
FAC Founder
Consulting & Webinars
Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
Copyright © 2018-2023 The Food Allergy Counselor, Inc. All Rights Reserved
Photo used under Creative Commons from rawpixel.com
  • Home
  • Counselor Directory
  • Blog
  • Webinars
  • Podcast
  • Worksheets/Forms
  • Psychosocial Resources
  • FAC Members/FABHN
  • Allergy Counseling Niche Info
    • Allergy Counseling Info for Patients
    • Allergy Counseling Info for Therapy Providers
    • Allergy Counseling Info for Allergists
  • Consulting Services
  • About
    • The Food Allergy Counselor, Inc.
    • Founder, Tamara Hubbard, LCPC
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms & Conditions of Use
  • Contact