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Food Allergy Mom Guilt and the Necessity of Self-Compassion

6/18/2022

2 Comments

 
Written by Paige Freeman, PhD., a FAC Directory-listed therapy provider, 
 ​See more information about Paige and her practice at the end of this article. 
Allergy moms: I have some not so great news. No matter how hard you try, how diligent you are, or how many plans you have- at some point your child will likely be exposed to their allergen.  You are not going to navigate this journey perfectly, no matter how many precautions you put in place.  And for many of us, even if we were to get it perfect we would still beat ourselves up. (For a deeper dive on this, read my friend Heather Hewett’s Allergic Living article here.)
Here are just a few things allergy moms feel bad about:
  • Introducing our child’s allergen too early
  • Introducing our child’s allergen too late
  • Introducing our child’s allergen the wrong way

  • Not being diligent enough
  • Being hypervigilant

  • Deciding to do OIT
  • Deciding to not do OIT
​
  • Going through a food challenge
  • Deciding against a food challenge
​
  • Not giving kids enough responsibility
  • Giving kids too much responsibility
​
  • Missing out on food related activities
  • Potentially exposing our child to their allergen at a social event

  • Thinking we did something to cause the food allergy
  • Thinking we did not do enough to prevent the food allergy

​Do you notice a theme here?
So many times in our allergy world, there are no good solutions because there are pros and cons to almost every decision.  Adding to this is a lack of consistent messaging about how to manage food allergies and an overload of input from social media on the multitude of different ways families handle their own allergies.
​

Self-Compassion

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Image Source: Pixabay
The degree of vigilance necessary in the management of food allergies is exhausting, persistent and is in constant flux depending on the situation and your child’s developmental stage.  There will likely come a time when you miss something.  When that happens, it is of the utmost importance that you show yourself some compassion.  ​
Compassion is defined as being moved by the suffering of others.

Self-compassion is recognizing that your suffering is difficult and acknowledging the pain. 

You can’t ignore your pain and feel compassion for it at the same time. 
If self-compassion is difficult for you, I’d like for you to think for a minute about how you talk to your child about their difficult thoughts and emotions, or about a mistake they have made.

Now imagine talking to your child in the same manner you talk to yourself about those same thoughts and emotions and missteps. 
As you picture talking to your child the way you talk to yourself, ask yourself some questions:
  • What effect do your words have? 
  • Are your words motivating? 
  • ​Are your words helpful?  
  • How do your words affect their worldview and the way they conceptualize themself? 
​​

Notice, Name and Normalize

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Image Source: Pixabay
So how do we develop self-compassion? 
Start with the below exercise when you are experiencing difficult emotions, thoughts and feelings.
​Notice:
Get curious about what your mind is telling you. Observe the thoughts, emotions, memories, etc. that are coming up.  It is helpful to complete the sentence, “I notice my mind is telling me…”  (Remember that you are observing your thoughts, not judging them).  
​

Also notice what is going on in your body.  Does your chest feel full?  Do you have a lump in your throat?  Are your shoulders tight?  Butterflies in your stomach? 
Name:
Put a name to what is happening. Maybe emotions of shame, guilt, anger, vulnerability, or self doubt are showing up.  Maybe it is a feeling of deep tiredness.  Maybe it is a memory of helplessness.  Maybe the only thing you are experiencing is pain in your lower back.  

Whatever it is, after you notice what is happening in your mind and body, then name it. For example, “I am noticing my chest feels heavy”, “I am noticing deep shame”,  or “I am noticing regret”.  

And then acknowledge the difficulty of it.  Acknowledge that it is painful. Naming this can be as simple as, “This is difficult” or “This is exhausting”.
Normalize:
When we are in the midst of suffering, it is helpful to remember that suffering is a part of the human condition.  Our highly evolved brains are hard-wired for suffering, and the more we try to avoid experiencing discomfort, the more it sticks around. 

​Although our specific circumstances are not always the same, humans have the shared struggle of deeply painful experiences.  In the food allergy space, there are many moms out there feeling very similarly to you.  And it is very difficult.  


So when normalizing you may say to yourself, “This is painful and hard, and difficult emotions are a universal human experience” or “Humans are hard-wired to suffer sometimes. It is normal”

Final words

Remember that this food allergy journey is very challenging, and painful emotions including guilt are common. Please be kind to yourself. You are navigating something that is very difficult, and some self-compassion can go a long way towards healing and living a purposeful life.
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Paige L. Freeman, Ph.D.
Dr.  Freeman is a psychologist in Houston, Texas, and she practices telehealth in 29 states. She enjoys working with food allergy parents and adolescents in her practice. She is a food allergy mom herself, and likes writing about the psychosocial effects of food allergies on both individuals and the family system. To learn more go to paigefreemanphd.com or email paigefreeman@paigefreemanphd.com.

Looking for more on this and related topics? Check out:
  • Understanding Allergy Parenting Guilt
  • The Emotional Side of Food Allergy Treatments
  • Unhelpful Allergy Beliefs
  • GROW Through Allergy Discomfort
Remember, support is out there if you need it!
  • Food Allergy Counselor Directory
  • Exploring Food Allergy Families podcast
  • Food Allergy Behavioral Health Resource section
  • allergy-specific therapeutic worksheets
  • Allergy Counseling Niche info for patients and allergists
  • Therapists: Learn about the Food Allergy Behavioral Health Network (FABHN) and about working in the allergy counseling niche

----> And don't forget to sign up to receive helpful allergy psychosocial tips and updates via email! Subscribers also get the free "Allergy Anxiety and Overwhelm Mini Guide"
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FABHA Fridays - Lori Moussapour, MA, LMSW

3/22/2019

0 Comments

 
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Lori Moussapour, MA, LMSW

​
​1. What is your clinical background? 
​
Social Work; Parenting, Social and Emotional Literacy, Food Allergies, Relationships
2. What state do you practice in?
New York
3. Why did you choose to work with clients managing food allergies? ​
As a parent of a child with food allergies, I understand the journey and its inherent challenges. I offer compassionate and informed services to individuals, parents and families who find themselves challenged or limited because of food allergies. I care deeply about empowering clients with food allergies to harness the protective elements of vigilance while mediating the harmful outcomes of prolonged and pervasive anxiety.
4. ​What's one piece of advice or favorite counseling/mental health-related resource to share with clients? ​
I find it very rewarding to help clients identify the possibility of beautiful and positive outcomes of living with food allergies. While I wouldn't wish a food allergy on anyone, I so admire and respect the many qualities that often evolve in our children. Our kids are more often than not more compassionate, self-regulated and have the ability to do "their own thing" despite what the crowd is doing. I love helping, for instance, parents of young ones see how these characteristics will be valued assets in short time!!!

​[Lori Moussapour, MA, LMSW is listed in the Food Allergy Counselor Directory. You can find more information about her services, or locate other food allergy-knowledgeable licensed behavioral healthcare providers there.]

To learn more about the Food Allergy Behavioral Health Association (FABHA), check out the first "FABHA Fridays" post, or the FABHA webpage. 
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FABHA Fridays (Food Allergy Mental Health Focus)

3/15/2019

0 Comments

 
Did you know that there's a growing network of licensed counselors/therapists, social workers, and psychologists that are food allergy-knowledgeable, and may even specialize in working with this population? ​

​The focus on food allergy -related mental health is growing. Food allergic individuals and families often express concern over emotional aspects of life with food allergies. With more targeted research studies on this topic, allergists are expressing interest in gaining a better understanding of how psychosocial factors impact life with food allergies and/or treatments.

Due to the establishment of the Food Allergy Behavioral Health Association (FABHA), there is now a central hub for licensed clinical behavioral health professionals committed to positively impacting the lives of those managing food allergies. In an effort to highlight this growing network and the importance of acknowledging food allergy-related mental health, "FABHA Fridays" will highlight a brief interview with a member of the Food Allergy Behavioral Health Association, sharing insight into how/why they choose to work with food allergic clients. (Read more about FABHA, including its development and purpose, below). 

​So let's start off with the first "FABHA Fridays" member spotlight!

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Fawn McNeil-Haber, PhD


​1. What is your clinical background? 
​Child & Adolescent; Trauma; Anxiety
2. What state do you practice in?
New Jersey-based private practice: 
​Brave Minds Psychological Services 
3. Why did you choose to work with clients managing food allergies? 
As the mother of a child with severe food allergies, it pains me when young people or their parent's are struggling to find a therapist who understands the anxiety and intensity of living with food allergies. Every child should be able to be connected with an experienced therapist who can understand an empathize with their experience. I wanted to merge my knowledge living in the food allergy world and my work as a child and adolescent trauma therapist.
4. ​What's one piece of advice or favorite counseling/mental health-related resource to share with clients? 
The Land of Not by J.J. Vulopas is an amazing children's book about choosing to live in the world of what you CAN do as opposed to living in the work of what you CANNOT do.
[Fawn McNeil-Haber, PhD (Brave Minds Psychological Services) is listed in the Food Allergy Counselor Directory. You can find more information about her services, or locate other food allergy-knowledgeable licensed behavioral healthcare providers there.]

​What exactly is the
​Food Allergy Behavioral Health Association?

In 2018,  in an effort to connect with others, Tamara Hubbard, MA, LCPC founded a professional networking group for food allergy-knowledgeable counseling professionals called the Food Allergy Counseling Professionals Network (FACPN). After members from various clinical behavioral health professions continued to join and connect, it became important to better highlight the fact that the group was for licensed clinical behavioral health professionals, not just those that identify themselves as counselors. Tamara and fellow member Lisa Rosenberg, M.Ed, MSW, LSW put their heads together to determine how to transition this space into something more encompassing.

​The result was to transition FACPN into the ​Food Allergy Behavioral Health Association (FABHA), as this name better reflects who the members are and the overall goals of this growing professional community. FABHA continues to be a professional collaboration space for licensed clinicians in Clinical Counseling, Clinical Family Therapy, Clinical Social Work, Clinical Psychology, and Clinical Psychiatry or those that are pursuing their clinical license, and who are 
committed to improving the lives of anyone impacted by food allergies. (This includes health-focused research psychologists that focus on food allergies or related conditions). However, beyond connecting, networking and sharing resources, FABHA also presents opportunities to receive/offer mentoring, and to collaborate to help expand and positively impact the behavioral health needs of the food allergy community. (Learn more about FABHA, or express interest in joining, via the FABHA link above).
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  • Home
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    • Allergy Counseling Info for Therapy Providers
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  • Consulting Services
  • About
    • The Food Allergy Counselor, Inc.
    • Founder, Tamara Hubbard, LCPC
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms & Conditions of Use
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