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Understanding Allergy Parent Guilt

5/14/2022

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When we receive our child's allergy or medical diagnosis, we typically experience a variety of emotions - usually some that are pretty intense. It's while we are in that hurricane of emotions that our mind tries to become the anchor, looking for ways to make sense of this new diagnosis that we never wanted in the first place.​
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​You see, our mind is a threat-seeking machine. It wants to locate and decrease all threats while increasing safety and predictability. ​And in order to help achieve that goal, our mind looks for answers and predictable patterns.
So when our child receives their allergy or medical diagnosis, we want to know WHY. “How did this food allergy or health condition develop? What caused it? How can I avoid more allergies or health complications from developing and keep my child safe at all times?”

But sometimes, the answer to why the allergy or medical condition developed is that there is no specific cause. Given that our mind wants actual answers, it often struggles to deal with that explanation. Therefore, this lack of clarity definitely doesn't make our mind feel safe because it leaves us with EVEN MORE uncertainty and unpredictability.
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In the face of that ongoing uncertainty, parents tend to keep searching for answers. Our mind tells us that there just has to be some stone left unturned that explains WHY our child developed the allergy or medical condition!

It's in this quest to answer that elusive WHY that some parents engage in the “blame game” - blaming themselves for the allergy or health condition. This, of course, only enhances the feelings of guilt. 

Since guilt is a behavior-focused emotion, it often leads us to believe that we did something wrong or bad. Therefore, playing the blame game leads us to believe that we must have done something (or NOT done something) that led to this diagnosis. Somehow, it must be our fault, even if there's no evidence to prove it.


Even without evidence to prove that the allergy or medical condition developed because of something we did or didn’t do, this answer somehow provides the certainty parents are looking for. It’s AN answer even if it’s not THE answer.

But then this faulty assumption leads to this unhelpful thought: "If I somehow made the allergy or medical condition develop, then I can prevent another allergy, an allergic reaction, or more complications from occurring by eliminating ALL risks for my child." 

And it’s this uncomfortable belief that tends to send parents into an unhelpful pattern of control-seeking and over-avoidance, which leads to ongoing and quality of life-impacting anxiety and overwhelm (because we just can’t control everything!)

While guilt can push us towards unhelpful assumptions and thought patterns in service of finding certainty, predictability and safety, it’s important to notice when this is happening. It’s easy to stay stuck in this unhelpful guilt loop, but it is absolutely possible to experience guilt and not let it push you into the blame game. 
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​One key tool that helps us from being pushed around by our feelings of guilt is: CURIOSITY
Exploring our feelings helps us develop a new perspective and a new relationship with them. Therefore, by getting curious about our guilt, it helps us exit the blame game and the unhelpful loop of regret, and develop an understanding of why else it might be popping up. 

Exercise to Try: Get Curious With Your Allergy Parent Guilt
Rather than focusing on finding a cause of the guilt, use these questions below to help you begin to view guilt differently and to redirect it into more mindful and purposeful thoughts and actions: 

  • EXPLORE ITS PURPOSE: What else do my guilt feelings want me to know or do differently going forward that may help me and my child feel more empowered to navigate life with this diagnosis? 

  • IDENTIFY WHAT'S FUELING IT: What’s at the core of the anxiety I’m feeling that may be fueling my guilt feelings?
 
  • NOTICE RELATED EMOTIONS: What other emotions/feelings are connected to my guilt feelings? How do they impact the guilt? 

  • CREATE A NEW NARRATIVE: Can I use this new understanding of my guilt feelings to create a new narrative that isn't based on needing to make myself feel bad about actions I took or didn't take?  
 
  • TAKE ACTION / MAKE CHOICES: What actions can I take to help support this new, more workable narrative about my feelings of guilt? What information and guidance will help me better navigate this guilt feeling? 

And if you find that this exercise uncovers elevated anxiety that your guilt feelings have been saving you from, here are some allergy anxiety-focused tools and information that you may find helpful: 
  • Building Allergy Life Skills When Anxious​
  • GROW Through Discomfort
  • FAC IG Post: Overview of Befriending Allergy Anxiety
  • FAC IG Post: Using Avoidance as An Allergy Management Tool
  • FAC IG Post: Mindfully Managing Allergy Anxiety

​FINAL THOUGHTS
....

All emotions are part of the human experience, even the ones we don't enjoy, such as guilt. Rather than get upset with the emotion and aim to keep yourself from ever feeling it again (because you'll spend tons of energy working toward that unrealistic goal), work towards exploring and understanding its purpose. THEN, you'll be able to find a way to work with or around it rather than being kept captive by it. 

​And if you're needing more allergy-related psychosocial support, don't forget to check out the Food Allergy Counselor Directory, the Exploring Food Allergy Families podcast, the Food Allergy Behavioral Health Resource section, and the allergy-specific therapeutic worksheets. 
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Do you value the Food Allergy Counselor Directory and the support it provides to the allergy community? Want to see it expand with additional providers? Contact founder Tamara Hubbard, LCPC for sponsorship opportunities! ​
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The 6 Stages of Allergy Parenting

4/28/2022

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Have you ever noticed that so much of the parenting guidance out there is focused on what children are going through at each stage of their development? While that's helpful information for parents to know, it doesn't tell parents what THEIR parenting tasks are for each stage of their child's development.
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That's where Ellen Galinsky's work comes in!  Her research led to the development of the Six Stages of Parenthood, which focuses on how PARENTS develop at the same time their child develops.

This framework helps parents understand if they're focusing on the appropriate tasks associated with their child's stage of development, are falling behind, or pushing too fast too quickly.

As with any guidelines, they're just that - guidelines. They're not hard and fast rules. However, I think we can all agree that parenting is hard, so any helpful guidance is welcome!
​

The Six Stages of Allergy Parenting

Adapted from Ellen Galinsky's work, licensed family therapist and founder of this Food Allergy Counselor Directory and website, Tamara Hubbard developed the Six Stages of Allergy Parenting after recognizing that allergy parents could benefit from parenting guidance specific to allergy parenting and the associated emotional aspects.

This purpose of this framework is 
primarily to offer guidance related to the emotional aspects of allergy parenting, which is often overlooked in allergy parenting guidance currently available. It essentially offers parents a framework to help them develop their mindset and parenting choices for each stage of parenting, which directly impacts their child's ability to learn how to live confidently with allergies.  While overall allergy management skills/goals are noted for each phase, the guidance is heavily infused with information related to the allergy emotional tasks helpful for parents to be aware of and/or develop during each stage.
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Six Stage of Allergy Parenting chart, created by Tamara Hubbard, LCPC
​
​How to Use this Chart: 

The information below explains each column in more depth: 
  • Stages: The names of each stage are from Ellen Galinsky's work. These titles are used to identify the period of time associated with the child's development, but are instead focused on the parental growth process, which happens in tandem with the child's growth process.  
  • Acts As The.... Tamara created these labels to help further illustrate a parent's role and goals for each stage.
  • Child's Age: Identifies the age and stage of the child's development.
  • Parents' Goals: Summarizes the overall goals for parents for each stage of their child's development, based on Ellen Galinsky's research. 
  • Allergy Tasks: Summarizes the overall allergy parenting task/focus for each stage of a child's development. Each stage builds upon the previous stages. ​

​How This Framework Helps Allergy Parents: 
The Six Stages of Allergy Parenting offers allergy parents a framework to help them better understand how to parent an allergic child throughout the child, teen and young adult years. More specifically, this guidance helps parents with:
  • Identifying When Emotions Are Getting in the Way: Offers the ability to identify if your own parental anxiety, fear, and overwhelm has actually stunted your child's ability to learn how to navigate life with their allergies OR has resulted in trying to teach your child too much, too quickly in order to calm your intense emotions. ​
  • Assessing Their Own Progress: Offers a way to more effectively assess whether you're on or off target with the main parenting focuses for each stage of development, as allergy parenting adds an additional layer to the mix.
  • Teaching Allergy Skills: Offers a look at the overall allergy management and allergy emotional skills you should focus on teaching your child at each stage. This is important because children learn through scaffolding, or building upon previously learned concepts. Therefore, it's helpful if their allergy AND emotional skills build throughout their development. For example, if a child reaches adolescence and is missing basic allergy management skills, it will be hard for them to reach adolescent goals, such as learning to take more responsibility for their safety and being away from home on their own. 
  • Checking For Emotional and Knowledge Gaps: Offers a framework to help see if you and/or your children need to revisit allergy emotional or allergy management skills. This can often be the case if the last allergic reaction happened many years ago, and you've become more comfortable managing allergies. It's helpful to do a quick check at the beginning of each stage of development to see if you need to revisit forgotten or lost skills from previous stages, fill any knowledge gaps, or assess emotional readiness. 

Want More Specific Information on Each Stage? 
Stay tuned for more detailed information for each of the six stages of allergy parenting, including specific parenting tasks and potential roadblocks to watch out for. (FAC on IG: @FoodAllergyCounselor, FAC on FB: /FoodAllergyCounselor, and FAC on Twitter: @FACounselor).

[Edited to add the new post: The 6 Stages of Allergy Parenting Explained]


If you want to make sure you don't miss more of this kind of psychosocial information, be sure to Subscribe to The Food Allergy Counselor emails (at the bottom of the homepage or via the pop-up), as well as the FAC social media accounts. And THE BONUS for subscribing to the FAC emails? You'll get the free, 3-page Allergy Anxiety & Overwhelm Mini -Guide. 

Think This Chart Will Help Others?
Think this chart will help others you know, or your patients? Please feel free to share it as long as the copyright information is visible. ​​
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And if you're needing more allergy-related psychosocial support, don't forget to check out the Food Allergy Counselor Directory, the Exploring Food Allergy Families podcast, the Food Allergy Behavioral Health Resource section, and the allergy-specific therapeutic worksheets. 
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Do you value the Food Allergy Counselor Directory and the support it provides to the allergy community? Want to see it expand with additional providers? Contact founder Tamara Hubbard, LCPC for sponsorship opportunities! 
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Exploring Food Allergy Dads' Experiences: Survey Results

5/4/2020

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As a family therapy-trained licensed therapist, I often find myself wondering about the systems in which we live. The family system, the community system, and beyond. Furthermore, I find it valuable to gain an understanding of how each system works, and how each member feels and navigates their role - especially within the family system. 

Last year, I shared survey results exploring how non-allergic siblings felt. Recently, I became more curious about how dads perceived their experiences as food allergy parents. So, rather than trying to assume, I decided to go straight to the source: the dads! Below are the results from this anonymous survey.*

In addition to reading through these responses, be sure to check out episode 2 of the Exploring Food Allergy Families podcast, where themes from this survey are discussed. Additionally, you won't want to miss the 2-part episode where I chat openly and honestly with an experienced food allergy dad who took this survey (episodes 6 & 7). 

*2021 Update: Check out EFAF podcast episode 15 (Comparing Moms' & Dads' Experiences - Allergy Parenting Survey Review), which explores the survey results from moms who took this same survey and compares/contrasts the data from the dad survey. [Full anonymous responses from the moms' survey will be posted in a FAC blog post in the near future].

Question #1:

​Do you feel food allergy dads speak up enough about
​their experiences parenting a child with food allergies?
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​Question #2: 

As a dad, what's one of the hardest things about managing your child's food allergy?


Question #3: 

Is there an aspect of food allergy management that you feel
YOU manage better ​or more confidently than your partner/spouse does?


Question #4: 

Is there an aspect of food allergy management that you feel
​YOUR PARTNER/SPOUSE manages better or more confidently than you do?


Question #5: 

What is one food allergy management guideline or decision that you
​and your spouse/partner don’t always agree on?
(i.e. comfort level about eating at restaurants or eating may contains)


Question #6: 

What would be one tip/piece of advice you’d share with dads of a ​newly diagnosed child?


Question #7: 

Please share anything else you think would be helpful to know about being a dad to a  food allergic child. (Thank you for your time!)

COMMUNITY QUESTIONS: 
If you’re a dad reading this or listening to episode two of the podcast, did you feel these results aligned with your own experiences?

Or did these themes seem to fit with your partner’s experiences? 



Check out these additional resources: 
  • The Food Allergy Counselor Directory
  • Food Allergy Mental Health Resource page
  • The Exploring Food Allergy Families podcast
  • Food Allergy Anxiety & Therapeutic Worksheets
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  • Home
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    • Tamara Hubbard, LCPC
    • Consulting & Webinars
  • Counselor Directory
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