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Parenting Teens with Food Allergies
Updated: 2 minutes ago
If you follow me on Instagram, then you likely saw that I posted this picture below a couple of weeks ago when my youngest son - who is a senior in high school - was out of town with his cross country team for a big regional event.
While I don't typically share personal stories on social media or within my articles, I felt compelled to share these emotional insights from this experience, as they're relatable and may feel helpful and hopeful to those reading it.
Our family is well-versed in traveling for sports thanks to my older son's many years playing travel hockey, with my younger son tagging along. But because my youngest son's 5th grade outdoor education trip in March 2020 was cancelled due to the COVID pandemic (which started just days before that trip), and because he had chosen not to attend this annual event the last couple of seasons, this was the first time he was navigating a trip without us.
As a licensed therapist who works with parents of kids/teens with food allergies, helping them navigate anxiety-inducing experiences such as this, here's what I was thinking:
"Sure, I'm feeling anxious about this experience, but I know this is a great opportunity for him to practice his allergy management skills while traveling without us. What's more, this will help me strengthen my trust and confidence in his ability to keep himself safe, which is important since he's going off to college next fall."
Yet as a parent, I'd be lying if I said I didn't think (or maybe wish?) that he'd decide not to go.
Then less than 2 weeks before this trip, my son sprained his ankle during practice - and bad enough that we knew he wouldn't be ready to compete in this out-of-town event. For a hot minute I thought:
"Maybe he WON'T go!"
Which is why it was interesting that the emotion I felt after having that thought was sadness.
Even though I felt anxious about him going on this trip, I felt sad at the thought of him not going because I wanted him to have this fun experience, and deep down, I knew he (and I!) needed him to go.
As the parent of a child managing food allergy (who also navigated a major traumatic surgery during his freshman year), and an older son who flies planes, anxiety focused on health and safety is no stranger to me.
But I've also gotten good at noticing when anxiety is in the "driver's seat".
For me, I know anxiety is calling the shots when I'm overly-focused on answering every question that pops up in my flurry of "what if" thoughts and when I am feeling significant tension and nausea in my body.
As the trip got closer, any time my anxiety intensified, I named it ("Anxiety is here!") and allowed it to be there while refocusing on why it was important for him to go on this trip. As a therapist, I know that anxiety is going to be present when we're navigating new experiences, especially ones where we're worried about food allergy-related safety, so I knew not to fight it, debate it, push it away, try to avoid it....or to get too engaged with my anxious thoughts either. But it was still incredibly uncomfortable to navigate!
Here's what helped me navigate my anticipatory anxiety about this trip in a way that was aligned with how I wanted to manage it - not how I would have managed it if anxiety continued to call the shots:
Reminding myself that the goal wasn't to get rid of my anxiety.
Even though I remind my clients of this all the time, I often need to remind myself of this, too. Sure, challenging experiences would feel easier to navigate if we didn't feel anxious, but trying to get rid of anxiety (rather than learning to do what matters even when it's there) is what tends to keep us stuck in patterns of over-avoiding safe enough experiences just to decrease or unhook from the discomfort we feel physically and cognitively. Anxiety is a normal emotional response when we're worried about safety and security, but we can develop unsustainable relationships and unhelpful patterns with it. (For more on that, check out my article, "Helpful vs Unhelpful Food Allergy Anxiety").
Instead, I reminded myself that my goal was to continue acting on my values, especially when I felt anxious - which meant allowing opportunities for my son to continue to develop independence and responsibility while also keeping himself safe....and this trip would allow him to practice that. I further reminded myself that every practice he (and I) navigated through would lead to increased competence and confidence and/or identify knowledge gaps and skills my son still needed to build.
Having honest conversations with my son.
I let my son know that I felt anxious, and that I had the urge to talk with him about how he'd navigate this trip safely every chance I got, but that I recognized he'd just tune me out (and get super annoyed) if I acted on all of those urges.
Instead, we agreed to sit down the week before the trip to review the trip itinerary, restaurant menus online, how he planned to navigate meals, where he'd keep his epinephrine devices, and how he'd communicate with others about all of this. During this conversation, I made sure to ask a few "How will you navigate ____ scenario?" exploratory questions to help him prepare ahead of time.
Checking in with how he felt about the trip.
Especially when parents are feeling anxious about a new experience, we can become so focused on our own thoughts and feelings that we sometimes forget to check in with our kids, too. This was his first trip away without us, so I made sure to check in with him on how he felt about it.
Was he nervous about anything, food allergy or otherwise?
Did he feel comfortable and responsible enough to navigate this without us?
And also, what was he looking forward to the most, even if he couldn't compete?
Focusing on non-food allergy preparation, too.
I reminded myself that it wasn't just food allergy management skills he could learn and practice from this experience. He could also practice thinking through what he might need/want to bring and packing....which of course, included packing his epinephrine devices and some safe snacks for the bus ride.
Accepting that he might navigate things differently than I would.
Our kids aren't always going to manage their food allergies the exact same way we do - and that can feel scary to sit with. Yet, that doesn't automatically mean they're not doing a good job keeping themselves safe. This is something I talk about often with parents of kids with teens....and have to remind myself often, too.
In May Contain Anxiety, I talk about how our parenting role has to evolve as our kids get older, and in this teenage stage, we need to learn how to shift into being a coach that guides and oversees rather than the one always in charge and in control.
Do I wish my son spoke up more about food allergies, informed more people about it, and said no to some foods he chooses to eat? Yes. But overall, he does a good job managing food allergies and is willing to keep practicing his skills...and that's what matters most.
Are you curious how the trip went?
I'm happy to report that although his team didn't do as well as they'd hoped, they had fun and my son navigated the experience well! What's more, we both felt proud that he went on this trip, and it definitely helped me begin to feel more confident about his allergy management skills as we prepare for college next fall.
During the trip, I did get the urge a couple of times to text and check in with him, which is absolutely okay to do. However, I asked myself why I wanted to text. Was it just to connect and say hi, or was I wanting to check up on how he was managing everything and slyly share reminders again (which would have been to make me feel better since we had already discussed all of this)?
I decided that other than a quick check in that first night to say hi, texting him beyond that wasn't in alignment with how I wanted to navigate this experience and manage my own anxiety about it.
And do you know what? I was actually able to focus on other things during the two days he was away rather than sitting and thinking about his trip the whole time.
If you're a fellow parent of a teen, I hope reading this has felt validating, normalizing, and helpful.
If your child is in a younger age/stage, I hope reading this illustrates that it is possible for our kids to take part in these kinds of experiences with preparation, planning, and skill-building.
And finally, I hope it reminds you that all of this is possible even when we feel anxious and scared ourselves.
Helpful resources for parenting teens with food allergies:
For more relatable content like this combined with clinical guidance, check out my book, May Contain Anxiety: Managing the Overwhelm of Parenting Children with Food Allergies available worldwide and published by Johns Hopkins University Press.
FAC article: Adolescent Food Allergy Management Transitions
Allergy & Asthma Network's Itch Podcast - Food Allergy Anxiety in Teens
The Parenting Pair podcast - Raising Confident, Independent Kids with Food Allergies
Care.com article, "Child Food Allergy Action Plan: How to Write One and Work with Your Child's School" (quoted alongside Dr. Manisha Relan):
